Exhaustion accidentally freed me from masking

Daily blogging has become both comfort and nuisance. How can I find anything useful to write here? Maybe I should just stay silent — it's not like anyone cares or reads this anyway. Until someone does.

Until someone cares, until someone reads, and then what? Do it for that one person, I tell myself. Even if that one person is me — it's better than not doing it at all. (If you happen to not be me and are reading — hi!)

So here's what I discovered yesterday: Despite feeling tired and defeated, I dragged myself to TikTok Live for a 2-hour stream. Mostly vibes and a dance playlist. But because I was so exhausted, I didn't have the energy to mask or 'perform.' And you know what? Being myself — just chill, just real, perfectly imperfect — was so much more fun. Now I'm wondering: how can I unmask in my offline life too?

My therapist suspected I fell under the radar as neurodivergent because I was 'high-functioning'. In order to become high-functioning, little me had to create survival systems like masking to fit in and survive. Fast forward to today, some of these mechanisms do more harm than help, and it's part of my job to re-evaluate which ones need to be taken out Old Yeller style. (Sorry, that was a bit morbid and now I'm showing my age...)

Well, that's just the rub. When it comes to masking, I don't know how to 'turn it off'. This part of me feels broken. Sure, it protected me from standing out, but now I'm realizing it's everywhere — in my relationships, my work, even seeping into these damn blog posts.

Exhaustion accidentally freed me from masking yesterday. So now I'm wondering — how do I recreate that freedom without running myself into the ground and flirting with the edges of burnout? I'm hardly recovered from burnout, even 2 years later, and I'm not particularly interested in diving headfirst into that territory.

This June, I'm hopeful to work towards experimenting and finding solutions to this life-long issue. I really wish I could afford therapy again — I hate flying blind here. But like so many people right now dealing with financial strain, I'm working with what I have.

So for now, I'll try setting 'unmasking experiments' of some sort (step one: figure out what that even means) and of course, I'll update you about my progress and findings.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine of the New Moon ♥