Each day, this wall I've built around me crumbles

Happy midweek!

I went seeking healing and left with something more valuable: clarity about what I actually need.

The plan was to write about my hapé ceremony experience yesterday, but I'll be honest, I had a mostly uncomfortable time.

Unfortunately, the ceremony wasn't held with the same care as the first sitting, and my dear friend who was supposed to lead the sound healing wasn't able to catch a ride to co-host the event. She was 98% of the reason I attended both the first and second ceremonies, and I didn't get a heads up about the change, nor was this change addressed at the event at all.

Surprise surprise to me, this overall left a bitter taste in my mouth. Not only that, but there was another person there to replace the sound healing portion but they were MIA for majority of the event. There was barely an introduction, and guidance was minimal before hapé was administered. I felt this was a disservice to the experience, the space, the plant medicine, and everyone's individual journey — though I can only speak for mine, which was definitely lacking.

As harsh of a review this might be, I also learned a lot about how I desire to hold space. For 1:1 and group settings, and how I would like to improve my own spiritual practices. Thankfully, I've sat in several ceremonial spaces where I did feel held and protected and safe.

Walking away from that experience, I found myself thinking less about what went wrong and more about what this taught me about connection itself. The disappointment left a mark, and reflecting on that mark it became a teacher.

There's a big difference between claiming your events and spaces are safe and actually embodying and communicating safety to its attendees. Just like different learning styles — some may prefer auditory teaching, while others are visual or hands-on — people understand safety differently and providing various expressions of this is necessary for sincere engagement.

Certainly, I've learned that if I want to sit and partake in meaningful conversations, I need to feel safe enough to do so. It is a series of trust fall exercises — this is why I now love small talk (compared to previously cringing at it) because it builds a bridge and connection with each discovered shared interest. And because we are all human, we will find something in common (if we are patient, kind, and caring).

It is my hope to keep strengthening connections over time. I'm really out of practice when it comes to personal social interactions. That's part of my reason for wanting to unmask — so I may become closer to others without this constant energetic drain. There is this deep need to collaborate and connect with others yet I am so resistant and hesitant due to my own traumas and insecurities.

Each day, this wall I've built around me crumbles.

Tomorrow is another day where I become lighter and more free.

Thanks for being here,

Nadine of the New Moon ♥