Allergic to the Sun

"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got."

Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow, referenced in The Rehearsal S2

The Vegas heat has been killer, currently 106F/41C. It's true what they say about heat making the blood boil.

When outside of the safety of air conditioning, my eczema flares up into stubborn heat rashes and dry patches have a nasty habit of overstaying their welcome. I also get visual migraines and mild heatstroke symptoms that drain the little energy I have left for the day.

I dare not go outside unless I am sunscreened up, wearing sunglasses, a hat, and clothing that covers my limbs. The only thing I'm missing is a sun umbrella which to be honest, wouldn't be over-the-top considering in middle school my doctor excused me from outdoor physical education class under the condition of "being allergic to the sun".

It's odd to reflect on how most of my teenage and early adulthood years, I've either lived in an attic or garage without proper air conditioning or insulation. It's like I grew up in a pressure cooker – the heat of stress, expectations, and physically hot temperatures kept building up and inflaming my life.

I thought it was building character – that I would come out perfected and ready to take on "real life" once I graduated from all of those challenges. That's the funny thing about life... it tends to be nothing like you expect.

Up until recently, I continued seeking the familiarity of the pressure cooker environment. Instead of seeing myself as a whole person, I constantly criticized my role, my usefulness – was I an asset or was I a liability?

It's not uncommon for someone to stick with what they know, after all.

But finally, I'm becoming gentler with myself. Instead of throwing myself to the fire and over-volunteering to noble projects as a way to "prove myself", I have been sitting with myself. Exploring who I am when I don't have the demand of "performance" lingering over my head.

In the silence, I have set intentions to write every day. To draw every day. To meditate every day. Not as a way to set a streak and flaunt it (although, it's fun to announce I'm on Day 94 of Daily Blogging), but as a way to meet myself right where I am.

While 'real life' has been devastating and miraculous, I tire of skimming the surface of it like a waterbug. I've been craving the deepening of my roots – like a tree anchoring into the soil.

Lamenting my chronic illness, my sensitivity to heat, or the actual fire weather warnings won't change the fact that they exist. I can fantasize about ice cold tundras and perfect health all I want, but I'd be better off learning to work with what I've got.

As much as the sun and its heat have been hostile toward me, maybe it's time I figure out how to soak up the sun – how to actually want what I've got, like Sheryl Crow suggests.

Maybe that starts with appreciating my air-conditioned and properly insulated home, my protective sun gear, and the fact that I'm learning to listen to my body's signals instead of ignoring them. Small victories, I know – but they're mine. And after years in the pressure cooker, I'm learning that small wins are actually the big ones.

I look around my life and recognize I want so much of what I already have. Despite being "allergic to the sun," there's still a way to lighten up and soak up its warmth.

Thanks for being here.

Sincerely,

Nadine of the New Moon ♥